He's In Love With You.

He is in love with you.

Although he knows it's not right. Although the conservative bunch disagrees. Although he is always busy with odd working hours. Although he's always stressful about his love ones at home. Although he is always exhausted yet has to look refreshed all the time. Although he is sick. Although he has to force a smile. Although he has all the burdens that no one else in the world knows.

He chose not to tell.

Seeing him with someone else is like having a sniper aimed right into his sutured heart.

Like trapped in a trench of oceanic denial.
Full of broken promises.



But.
He is, indeed, still, deeply in love with you.





A secret that he chose not to tell.
xoxo.

Love Is...

Mummy called earlier in the afternoon, crying. Apparently she's still in deep sorrow after Daddy's death. And we cried together on the phone. I really feel for her.

How everything, how the whole world their love is, to her.

Love. Something simple and complicated, well it depends on how one's definition is. I see how death separated my parents though they're truly in love with each other. I see too, how people try so hard to get themselves broken up, divorced, you name it. Ironic? Sometimes I wonder: Why wouldn't a party of a twisted couple who tries to get rid of each other die... Instead of my beloved father?

It's not easy to find your true love, 

and some people spent a lifetime to find theirs.

I wish I could be like my parents. Just simply love, and keep their vows till death separates each other. I wish, we could be like my parents.

Believing in you loving me. xoxo.

Family and Bread.

Been a long while since I last posted a blog. Just got myself a sudden feeling, an urge to compose one right now.

Lots of incidents happened. Shitty ones, exhilirating ones. Tears, laughter.

Just a few days ago, I was confirmed of a post as a flight attendant for Cathay Pacific Airways. I was being offered the job weeks ago; and I signed the contract a couple of days before. It's been a while since I wanted to be based in foreign countries - anywhere, and work there, and gain as much experience as I can. So here comes my opportunity.

I'm gonna miss this place. My family. My besties. My memories. My reluctance - can be something that changes my mind before I hand in my resignation letter. Or even before I board the aircraft. All the love, the warmth that I have here... Will I be able to have the same thing in Hong Kong?

***

I still miss every single thing about my late father. Hrmmm. Particularly hate the word 'late' a lot, seriously. Not used to the word at all, still. Not applicable in my daily lives too. I miss Daddy very very much, especially when I am all alone, no matter at home - Kota Kemuning or Taman Connaught, during nightstops - hotel room or tourist spots, or even when I am at the cafeteria or in the cabin welcoming passengers. I am slowly, trying so hard to let go.

And when a wound heals, a tingling scar is left behind.

I'd really want to bring along my love ones, and that I wouldn't be so homesick abroad.

Dilemma.

Torn between personal goals and family, it's really hard to choose. I cry in the middle of the night sometimes, thinking how tough this decision is.

Mummy's been feeling unwell. Henny's graduating from high school soon. I have to achieve more for a better life for my family, yet that requires me to be far away from them...

"Dear God. I just want my love ones to be happy. Even if I have to trade in my happiness. 

Is there any way that You can help me? Please?"
 

You know you love me, xoxo.

CNY: Happy. Not?

Chinese New Year 2011 and what it means to me.
It's been exactly two months since the traumatic incident.
This celebration. The firecrackers. The fireworks.
Thanks for the wishes, whatever.

It's not easy to obtain leave on Chinese New Year.
My nature of work kills me sometimes.
Shoo, far away you go, inconsiderate envious remarks.
Superficial.


And I get day-offs on other celebrations last year.

I should consider wearing Songkoks and turbans next time. 

Because I realize I celebrate them.

Just did Brisbane yesterday.
Passengers were pathetically demanding;
Like a punctured tyre upon touchdown.
Maximum exhaustion.
Again, it's just another flight.

And the day before.
Was.
My.
Final round.
Outcome = Not so excited.
Reason?
I have no idea at all.

I just wanna be happy.

You know you love me.

If I Were Stronger.

Heading back to KUL tomorrow. I just hope my insomnia is lost for good.

Apparently Mummy's still in grief. Again we talked and cried and talked and sobbed. Oh me oh my, being back in hometown doesn't get me any better.

I am very worried about Mummy. I know that we're quite over it by now, it's just that when I imagine myself in my Mummy's shoes, I'd be even worse I suppose? Mummy's a really strong person - I wish I have half of her strength, spiritually.

God, please grant her more patience? And good health? 

I don't wanna be so worried all the time. Not anymore. I have to do something about this. But how?



But how?
But how?
But how?




Sometimes I do really pity myself for not having the same life as others.

People of my age are still studying overseas. Enjoying every moment of their college life. Enjoying the fact that they have their love ones with them. No financial crisis at all. No this and that.

I am just being really pathetic right here.



I wish I am stronger.

You know you love me, xoxo.

We're All. Searching.

Insomniac sucks.

That's when I start to think a lot and get effin' exhausted easily. Wtf.

Just came back from base the previous day. Abrupt decision made - Headin' back to hometown after obtaining my medical leave. Christmas is so much different this year.

***

I just had dinner w/ my buddies earlier at this, should I say, one of the better places in Sibu where I can have fine dining - Cafe Cafe. It was pretty crowded, stuffed w/ human being of all kinds. Yes, celebrities and public figures were seen as well, so we're kinda, literally having dinner together in the same restaurant.

p/s: The owner is as cute as usual.

I have been longing to eat in that restaurant ever since I started flying around the world; sometimes it's feels nice to just, well, be back in my hometown and relax, having a peace of my mind? Sibu has changed a lot, like seriously. More cuisine's available, oh and McD has changed its location, yada yada yada... By the way the night view of Sibu from the window port in the aircraft was beautiful.

For a second, I was like, Sibu's not that bad after all.

Okay maybe except for the bumpy rides on he road.

***

A friend of mine just broke up w/ his girlfriend recently. I am BAD at consoling broken spirits. And I couldn't do much to help because it seriously takes time to heal the wound... Pathetic? Definitely. Painful? Undeniably. Depressed? Precisely.

Hence, I was thinking.

We're all living in this world trying so hard to find the best for ourselves. High school graduates trying to get into the right college studying the right course; A lady having a man kneeling down in front of her trying to win her hand of marriage; A Master's degree holder circling job vacancies advertised in papers etc.

I have been single for a few months already now. And frankly speaking, my previous broke-up hurt me a lot. Total devastation. Lessons learned, thought I could've forget everything overnight but that was only total crap. It took me a while to adjust to being single. And I do hope you will get over this soon, H. *Pat on the shoulder.

I've been looking forward to change my working environment as well, hopefully I'd get something better soon, and I shall lead a new chapter of life after grieving for the loss of Daddy. I need something better for Mummy and Henny. We deserve something better.

I've had enough.

So. We're all living in the world trying so hard to find the best for ourselves.

And that, takes time.

***

You know you love me, xoxo.

Post-Flight Depression.

It's always when the sky's turning dark.

When quietness is all around.

When I am all alone.

When I see Daddy's stuffs.

When I am gasping for breath after work.

I cry like shit. And I still feel him around.


Dear everyone that I love. Pleeees take good care of yourselves?

I can't afford to have Chocolate Indulgence every day to calm myself down should anything happens.

I feel vulnerable.

xoxo.