If I Were Stronger.

Heading back to KUL tomorrow. I just hope my insomnia is lost for good.

Apparently Mummy's still in grief. Again we talked and cried and talked and sobbed. Oh me oh my, being back in hometown doesn't get me any better.

I am very worried about Mummy. I know that we're quite over it by now, it's just that when I imagine myself in my Mummy's shoes, I'd be even worse I suppose? Mummy's a really strong person - I wish I have half of her strength, spiritually.

God, please grant her more patience? And good health? 

I don't wanna be so worried all the time. Not anymore. I have to do something about this. But how?



But how?
But how?
But how?




Sometimes I do really pity myself for not having the same life as others.

People of my age are still studying overseas. Enjoying every moment of their college life. Enjoying the fact that they have their love ones with them. No financial crisis at all. No this and that.

I am just being really pathetic right here.



I wish I am stronger.

You know you love me, xoxo.

We're All. Searching.

Insomniac sucks.

That's when I start to think a lot and get effin' exhausted easily. Wtf.

Just came back from base the previous day. Abrupt decision made - Headin' back to hometown after obtaining my medical leave. Christmas is so much different this year.

***

I just had dinner w/ my buddies earlier at this, should I say, one of the better places in Sibu where I can have fine dining - Cafe Cafe. It was pretty crowded, stuffed w/ human being of all kinds. Yes, celebrities and public figures were seen as well, so we're kinda, literally having dinner together in the same restaurant.

p/s: The owner is as cute as usual.

I have been longing to eat in that restaurant ever since I started flying around the world; sometimes it's feels nice to just, well, be back in my hometown and relax, having a peace of my mind? Sibu has changed a lot, like seriously. More cuisine's available, oh and McD has changed its location, yada yada yada... By the way the night view of Sibu from the window port in the aircraft was beautiful.

For a second, I was like, Sibu's not that bad after all.

Okay maybe except for the bumpy rides on he road.

***

A friend of mine just broke up w/ his girlfriend recently. I am BAD at consoling broken spirits. And I couldn't do much to help because it seriously takes time to heal the wound... Pathetic? Definitely. Painful? Undeniably. Depressed? Precisely.

Hence, I was thinking.

We're all living in this world trying so hard to find the best for ourselves. High school graduates trying to get into the right college studying the right course; A lady having a man kneeling down in front of her trying to win her hand of marriage; A Master's degree holder circling job vacancies advertised in papers etc.

I have been single for a few months already now. And frankly speaking, my previous broke-up hurt me a lot. Total devastation. Lessons learned, thought I could've forget everything overnight but that was only total crap. It took me a while to adjust to being single. And I do hope you will get over this soon, H. *Pat on the shoulder.

I've been looking forward to change my working environment as well, hopefully I'd get something better soon, and I shall lead a new chapter of life after grieving for the loss of Daddy. I need something better for Mummy and Henny. We deserve something better.

I've had enough.

So. We're all living in the world trying so hard to find the best for ourselves.

And that, takes time.

***

You know you love me, xoxo.

Post-Flight Depression.

It's always when the sky's turning dark.

When quietness is all around.

When I am all alone.

When I see Daddy's stuffs.

When I am gasping for breath after work.

I cry like shit. And I still feel him around.


Dear everyone that I love. Pleeees take good care of yourselves?

I can't afford to have Chocolate Indulgence every day to calm myself down should anything happens.

I feel vulnerable.

xoxo.

A Letter To God.

Dear God,


I cried so hard. I couldn't believe that Daddy left us so early.

At the age of 50.

I remembered Daddy used to tell me to do things slowly, to take a few moment to gasp for a breath, think clearly whenever I face problems. And to inform him whenever I am in any difficulty.

Daddy didn't want me to push myself too hard.

***

Daddy's an oil tanker. His job, I must say, is one of the most dangerous jobs ever existed in the world. His pay? Pfft.

My regret #1: I didn't manage to buy Daddy a life insurance.

Looking at his tattered bag that he used for work, I just couldn't help myself crying pitifully. In his bag were canned food+instant noodles. And all of them were crushed in the accident.

Regret #2: I didn't manage to take him to a fancy restaurant for a fancy dinner.

***

2/12/2010 - I just came back from Taipei the day Daddy died. Only God knows how broken my spirit was when I received Mummy+Henny's text messages.

I cried the whole way back to my hometown, Sibu. Choking. From my heart of despair.

Somehow deep in my heart, I was hoping that the whole incident was untrue. A lame joke. A prank just to teach me a lesson for doing something wrong in the past.

I wanted to see Daddy in the hospital bed, alive. I wanted to talk to him. I wanted to smile at him. Hug him. And tell him how much I love him.

Deep regret #3: I didn't spare extra time to chat with Daddy whenever he called from his workplace.

It's not easy for him to receive good signals and call the rest of my family members. Not to mention about being able to reach me through the phone. I wished I had five more minutes? Okay maybe one more minute to express my love to Daddy?

It's all too late.

***

Regret #4: I didn't manage to go for a holiday with Daddy overseas. I didn't manage to let him feel the snow during winter. Wear a lovely trench coat like I always do.

I can still remember how cold his body was in the mortuary.

Regret #5: Screw Prada. I wanted to get him a tailored suit. And together we take a perfect family photo. Not to be able to wear a suit only when he's lying still in the coffin.

***

Deepest regrets of all in my whole life. I could only look at his body, apologize and tell him to rest in peace; I'll take over everything from now on.

Daddy's a real man. Memories flashed through my mind; he would sacrifice anything for us. He loves us very much. I wish I had showed as much love to him. I would trade in anything in my life to get him back, but I realize though, I should move on and accept this ugly truth. Daddy's no longer here with us.

May Daddy's soul be happy with God in heaven.

***

God, I've learnt my lesson this time. I shall appreciate my love ones, everyone beside me more.

Please let Mummy go through this strongly? I can't imagine the love of my life leaves me someday, I don't know how that feels, but I can see the sorrow in Mummy's eyes. Please let her know, that she still has Henny and me?

I will never let her suffer again no matter how.

God please bless all my relatives+friends who gave us the support we needed?

***

My teardrops poured like Niagara Falls and dried like rain in the dessert. And my life will never ever be the same.

Heading back to Kuala Lumpur tomorrow. I have to face my work, again, whether I like it or not. I still have to carry out my responsibility.

God before I end this.

Just. Grant a lil' happiness in me?

I miss Daddy.

Yours truly,
Welister.
xoxo.